Unfortunately IT'S too common a question
"why don't you just leave?"
If it was easy for a person who is being abused by their partner to "just leave" then they would have done it. Unfortunately, its not as easy as it sounds, for numerous reasons.
But, by asking someone this question, you are not supporting them, and are actually making them feel worse. The majority of the time someone who is living with domestic abuse, already feel hopeless, worthless and a real sense of failure. By asking this question, you are reinforcing what they are already feeling.
These are just some of the reasons a person cannot "just leave":
*Fear. Fear and Fear!
*It is known that one of the most dangerous times for a domestic abuse victim is when they try to leave their abusive partner and this fear will often stop them from leaving.
*The abuser tells them they can't live without them and if they go, they will kill themselves.
* They genuinely love their partner and believe them when they say they will change.
*Guilt! The abusive partner blames them every time they get abused, stating if they hadfdone something. . . for example, been late home . . . they wouldn't have got angry. The abused person starts to believe it really is there fault.
* After they have been abused, the abusive person will often cry and tell them how sorry they are, promising never to do it again. The abused person will feel sorry for them and believe they can change, so they wait for it to happen.
*Because they love their partner, the abused person will wait for that moment of love and affection which makes it all worthwhile. However, the periods between the abuse and affection gradually get further apart, without much notice. A few days waiting for that moment of love and affection, turns to a week. . . a few weeks . . . a month. . . a few months . . a year. . . a few years. . . but they know that moment is coming and when it does, it seems worth it because by the time months and years have passed they feel so worthless anyway, that the affection makes it worth it.
Their partner has convinced them nobody else will have them if they do leave. By this time, the abused person has lost so much confidence that they stop believing what they once thought to be true, and start believing the labels they have been given by the abuser.
*They don't want to upset, or lose, their children as they have been told by the abuser that they will take them to court and tell the courts that they are a bad parent.
*The abusive person has often controlled all the finances, so the abused person will not havew the financial means to support themselves.
*No support, as they have usually been isolated from family and friends.
*The abuser uses Gaslighting techniques to make the abused person think they are going mad. Gaslighting is an attempt by one person to overwrite another's reality, by saying things like:
You're mad - that never happened."
"You're making that up, it's all in you head."
"You're paranoid."
"You did do/say that."
*Just when the abused person can literally take no more, and gets close to breaking point, the abuser offers a small gesture of kindness and because it doesn't happen often the abused person feels a deep, and out of proportion, sense of gratitude. Because the [temporary] relief from abuse is so great, the abused person is full of admiration for the abuser
This is the point when they are at risk of adopting the values the abuser wants them to, as they look within and see only faults within themselves and only good in the abuser, who will have appeared as the "rescuer".
The abused person has no idea what they did wrong, but they just know that it is by being themselves that always seems to create the problems, so they stop trying to just be themselves and start trying to be the person the abuser wants them to be, as that is the only way the abuse stops/is prevented.
*From the stage above, the abused person starts to feel guilty about who they were, reducing their confidence even further as they believe they were a "bad" person. As their confidence is eroded, their dependency on their abuser is increased. As soon as the abused person starts to show signs of their old personality again, the abuser will reinforce previous cycles until the abused person no longer tries to be who they were and is a version of the person the abuser wants to control.
*Abuse needs silence! Silence by the abused person . . . who tells nobody, because the abuser is often a "well liked" person in the community - a very different version of who they are at home. The abused person fears they will not be believed, or believe that the abuser is capable of such abuse, so they stay silent, telling nobody.
If you are in, or healing from, an abusive relationship, please know that there is hope.
If you find yourself in this situation, please seek support - you will be believed.
A very effective way of getting rid of the darkness (abuse) is to shine a light on it (tell someone)
Abuse can only thrive and survive in the darkness - it's NOT your fault and it's ok to let your light shine.
But, by asking someone this question, you are not supporting them, and are actually making them feel worse. The majority of the time someone who is living with domestic abuse, already feel hopeless, worthless and a real sense of failure. By asking this question, you are reinforcing what they are already feeling.
These are just some of the reasons a person cannot "just leave":
*Fear. Fear and Fear!
*It is known that one of the most dangerous times for a domestic abuse victim is when they try to leave their abusive partner and this fear will often stop them from leaving.
*The abuser tells them they can't live without them and if they go, they will kill themselves.
* They genuinely love their partner and believe them when they say they will change.
*Guilt! The abusive partner blames them every time they get abused, stating if they hadfdone something. . . for example, been late home . . . they wouldn't have got angry. The abused person starts to believe it really is there fault.
* After they have been abused, the abusive person will often cry and tell them how sorry they are, promising never to do it again. The abused person will feel sorry for them and believe they can change, so they wait for it to happen.
*Because they love their partner, the abused person will wait for that moment of love and affection which makes it all worthwhile. However, the periods between the abuse and affection gradually get further apart, without much notice. A few days waiting for that moment of love and affection, turns to a week. . . a few weeks . . . a month. . . a few months . . a year. . . a few years. . . but they know that moment is coming and when it does, it seems worth it because by the time months and years have passed they feel so worthless anyway, that the affection makes it worth it.
Their partner has convinced them nobody else will have them if they do leave. By this time, the abused person has lost so much confidence that they stop believing what they once thought to be true, and start believing the labels they have been given by the abuser.
*They don't want to upset, or lose, their children as they have been told by the abuser that they will take them to court and tell the courts that they are a bad parent.
*The abusive person has often controlled all the finances, so the abused person will not havew the financial means to support themselves.
*No support, as they have usually been isolated from family and friends.
*The abuser uses Gaslighting techniques to make the abused person think they are going mad. Gaslighting is an attempt by one person to overwrite another's reality, by saying things like:
You're mad - that never happened."
"You're making that up, it's all in you head."
"You're paranoid."
"You did do/say that."
*Just when the abused person can literally take no more, and gets close to breaking point, the abuser offers a small gesture of kindness and because it doesn't happen often the abused person feels a deep, and out of proportion, sense of gratitude. Because the [temporary] relief from abuse is so great, the abused person is full of admiration for the abuser
This is the point when they are at risk of adopting the values the abuser wants them to, as they look within and see only faults within themselves and only good in the abuser, who will have appeared as the "rescuer".
The abused person has no idea what they did wrong, but they just know that it is by being themselves that always seems to create the problems, so they stop trying to just be themselves and start trying to be the person the abuser wants them to be, as that is the only way the abuse stops/is prevented.
*From the stage above, the abused person starts to feel guilty about who they were, reducing their confidence even further as they believe they were a "bad" person. As their confidence is eroded, their dependency on their abuser is increased. As soon as the abused person starts to show signs of their old personality again, the abuser will reinforce previous cycles until the abused person no longer tries to be who they were and is a version of the person the abuser wants to control.
*Abuse needs silence! Silence by the abused person . . . who tells nobody, because the abuser is often a "well liked" person in the community - a very different version of who they are at home. The abused person fears they will not be believed, or believe that the abuser is capable of such abuse, so they stay silent, telling nobody.
If you are in, or healing from, an abusive relationship, please know that there is hope.
If you find yourself in this situation, please seek support - you will be believed.
A very effective way of getting rid of the darkness (abuse) is to shine a light on it (tell someone)
Abuse can only thrive and survive in the darkness - it's NOT your fault and it's ok to let your light shine.
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